She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
