I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
