You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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