i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
sex in a hospital.. check
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
