just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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