Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
