I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
