did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
