I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You ruined the universe
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
