"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
