Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
