NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
