I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
