I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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