mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
