I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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