People in love make me want to vomit
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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