and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
