Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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