I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Terrible idea I love it
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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