I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
