I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
