Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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