Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
