OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize