I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
