I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
