Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
