Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My vagina is officially offended.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
