I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
