She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
