allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
