the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
