Dude my mom stole all your condoms
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
