the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
