you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
