you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
