so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
