I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Please don't give away my fajitas
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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