1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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