Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
