I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
