Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
only you would photoshop your dick
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
being pregnant is like rehab
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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