you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
