I think my fart just growled at me.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
