Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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