im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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