i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
