Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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