Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
