I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Pants are for mortals
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
