I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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