so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
