i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
