you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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