I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
