there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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