we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
