I think I just saw someone hide a body.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Randomize
