His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
