Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
