Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm at about main and main street
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Im part way to drunk.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
