Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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