I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
