you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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